Dieting!! That evil word that conjures up negative feelings, as my stomach growls even though I have just eaten. Thinking about food all day, every day!
Tracking points, calories, carbs, fats and even how much water we drink. Has this gone too far? I know it works for some folks to be super obsessive about what, when, why, and how they nourish their bodies, and I admit I have done it a time or ten myself. Finding crafty ways to eat a cupcake or small cup of ice cream by skipping a meal or artfully saving up points so you can binge on chocolate cake!!
This is not what they meant when they developed those programs!
Even I know this and I am a huge diet failure!
I have been told that I am not a failure but, that is just how I feel sometimes. Do I care if someone else finds me attractive? NO, I don’t actually, because I have a very loving husband, amazing friends, and family who love me just the way I am. Unconditionally! They are supportive and don’t see the flawed parts of me that I obsess over every so often.
Do I want to find myself attractive? Yes I do and for the most part I am comfortable in my skin. With the exception of my stomach. Which I find exceptionally disgusting especially in photos of myself. My husband has told me to be kinder to myself and I don’t know how to do that. What does that even mean? (If you know please share in the comments).
I am a wife, I am a mother, and I am a grandmother. I plan the meals, cook the meals and make sure everyone eats balanced meals and snacks. So why is it I can’t keep my hands off the sugar and those nasty carbs and gluten that bloats me up like road kill on a hot summer day??
(nice visual right)
I get worn down after planning meals just for someone to complain that they don’t like it or they won’t try it. Yes, I am talking about my kids!! We don’t make them anything different but it sure does ding away at my desire to eat or cook anything healthy. It is tiring emotionally, so often times I just make stuff they like so that at least I know they are eating something homemade and not out of a box full of chemicals. I have re-vamped many recipe favorites to make them a little lighter and more healthful, sometimes these are winners and sometimes not so much.
I do try not to obsess. But when you can’t do much exercise that would really burn some fat and calories because you are terrified of injury and being laid up for God knows how long, it takes it’s toll emotionally and physically. I begin to feel alone. As if nobody really understands the quandary I am in. The vicious circle of starvation diets, not being able to move to burn calories efficiently and then feeling as if I am a total failure, because my resolve crumbles and I grab one wrong thing and then all hell breaks loose and I end up on a binge till I can talk myself into starting again.
FEAR! It seems to rule my life. Always afraid of something. Most often afraid of injuring myself to the point where I will have to go down the surgery route again! I told myself 5 years ago that I would not let that happen. Lord knows I have tried and failed, and tried and failed over and over again. So much so that I feel like I am beating a dead horse looking for it to magically rise up and start galloping. (another nice visual am I right?)
I join diet groups and weigh in groups on Facebook, trying to find support and be supportive to others, only to walk away silently with my tail between my legs. Embarrassed and feeling awful about all the bad stuff I have eaten since my last healthful meal. I know they don’t expect me to be perfect, nobody is. But, I feel fake because I couldn’t hold it together and be active and participate fully.
I am honestly struggling right now and if you are close to me you know how I hate to admit that. I struggle daily with food. Should I eat it? If not then what should I eat in it’s place? Why does it have to be so hard? So much in this world is difficult enough without adding a basic part of life like eating to also be difficult. I have received the same advice I have given. I know what it takes to lose weight and my body fights me at ever turn. Pain from working some muscles is one thing, but ending up in bed on pain killers is an entirely different ball of wax. Every time I exercise, lift anything, vacuum, bend over, or even the way I get in and out of the shower can wreak havoc on my back and leave me in bed in so much pain I just want to cry.
I have a good life and I hate to be complaining….I am blessed with so much. I guess writing it down gets it out of my head for a bit. Perhaps a small part of me hopes that someone reads this and can relate or can offer up something I haven’t thought of or tried. I don’t know, honestly I feel as if I am alone. Most people I know who are losing weight are able to move and stay active, and I wish that were the answer.
Perhaps this is just a moment brought to you by pre-menopause!! Who knows? I surely don’t. Please don’t feel sorry for me because I didn’t write this for pity or sympathy. I wrote it because it is part of me and I wanted to share not just the happy go lucky parts of me but the raw and unfiltered parts of me as well.
Thank you for reading ❤