Today as I had the better part of my day alone, I had an epiphany of sorts.
Lately I have felt wrung out and tired both emotionally and physically that I crave being enveloped in my husbands loving arms where I can rest and gain respite from….everything. You see, my sister is very sick. I wrote a blog post about her awhile back called My Hero, My Sister. I won’t go into the whole story but she has cancer and is very ill. (I have another post updating her story in the works). Being 1000 miles away from her and having so much going on at home with kids in school, a granddaughter that I watch everyday and then just the regular day-to-day things that we as adults must take care of. I have been finding that I have been allowing myself to get lost in the idle scrolling through Facebook. Not even really posting very much but just watching other people’s lives unfolding as if I were watching television and just clicking through the channels mindlessly.
Now don’t get me wrong, I care about all the people whom I follow on FB and who follow my page and blog. But I wasn’t living my life. I haven’t been taking time to do what I want to do or to be completely honest, NEED to do. I want to write more blog posts and chronicle daily life here in my sometimes crazy world. But I have been pushing it aside to aimlessly wander and put off doing what I originally had set out to do. That is to create healthier habits for myself and my family. To take more time living and soaking it in for myself not via some social media site.
I need and want to set goals for myself and actually follow through instead of allowing the world to suck me in and allow me to put everything and every one first and keep tossing myself to the bottom of the list.
My husband said something to me a few days ago that I am just now processing. I am paraphrasing here but he said, ‘You are the center of our family and without you we are nothing’. It isn’t that I didn’t listen to what he was saying but I don’t see myself as that so I think I just brushed it off and thanked him for thinking so but, I don’t see it that way.
What if I am a glue of sorts? What if each of us is a puzzle piece and we aren’t complete without the other pieces? I believe that he is integral to our family and often think that because of him we are complete now.
If we aren’t okay with ourselves then how can we fit together and hold the puzzle together? I am not okay with just making it through each day to trudge through another. I have had a taste of living and that is what I want to do. Now, this doesn’t mean I will completely cut off from social media but I do believe it has taken over too much of my time. Everyday I feel as if I need another 8-10 hours added on just to read blogs (which I never give myself time to do), read books (which I haven’t done in quite a while and my kindle is full!!), exercise and learn to do yoga, and to get back in practice of meditating and feeling calm within.
So where does this epiphany come in you ask?
Today I watched the movie WILD based on a true story. The lessons she learned on that long walk healed her. Allowed her to see clearly and be the person her mother believed her to be. As the credits rolled I realized that I wanted to be the person that I, myself believed I am!! I am not a quitter, I have self-control and self-discipline despite not being able to stay on a healthy eating plan or exercise regularly. I have allowed social media and my desire to be noticed to cloud my vision of my true self.
I am a mother who cares deeply for her children. I want to be there for them emotionally and not just in the room with my head buried in my Facebook page.
I am a wife who adores her husband so completely that when he hurts, I hurt no matter if it is physically or emotionally I feel the pain and want to make him well.
I am a grandmother who is so in love and is so in awe of each milestone.
I am a sister who longs to ease her sisters pain, and I know that I cannot heal her or fix her situation. I want to be able to let her know that I love her and treasure her for as long as she is on this planet.
I am a friend who is honest, loyal and giving even if I am the ‘only when I want or need you friend’ to some of my friends.
I am a person who is somewhat creative but very critical of my own work.
I am me whether you like me or not……I must be true to myself! That means I must let go of thought that if I am not posting or liking statuses and keeping up with everyone else’s lives, I am not a bad person or a bad friend. I am just living my life.