I have been tossing this blog post idea around in my head for awhile now and thought about addressing it. Especially in the wake of 9/11 and the fear that was instilled in our country on that awful and tragic day. Everyone knows where they were at the moment the first plane hit, the news reports, the terror aspect seeming unfathomable and all those innocent lives lost. It seems to heighten around this time and I thought I would share some of my fears with you all.
I am sure we all as loving humans have fears of some sort or another. I know I have my fair share of fear which leads to anxiety which in turn leads to stress…..and on and on!!
More often than not my fear is based on things I have no control over. Such as, car accidents, being hurt by another person etc…I also have fears that I have had my whole life and I do not know from whence they came. One of those fears I have had since as far back as I can remember is a fear of going into a new place alone. By place I mean a store I haven’t been to before, or stopping for gas someplace I never had before when with someone else.
I know, I know it sounds so crazy right?
But it is in fact true!!
As a young adult I lived in the same town where I was born and raised. I never took a road trip on my own to someplace I had never been before. I shopped at one grocery store that I knew, got gas at the same place, stopped at the same coffee shop and bought beer at the same liquor store. If my friends were going to a restaurant or bar and they called and said, “hey let’s meet up there”. I immediately went into panic mode, I would either find a reason not to go or I would convince them that meeting me outside was a better idea so I didn’t have to walk in alone. The anxiety that it produced was crazy! I felt my heart beat faster, palms got sweaty, and that feeling like as you walked in the door that every eye was scrutinizing you as you came in. It is a paralyzing fear that I have mostly overcome. I do still have times when I am scared but I push myself to just do it and have an internal dialogue with myself for reassurance.
I am not being narcissistic or conceited by saying that I felt as if everything stopped and everyone stared at me, that isn’t it at all.
I have always been sensitive about how I look. I have been overweight my entire life. I have heard the comments people make about other overweight people…Mostly women were the culprits of such nasty attacks on other women. I would sit quietly by and hear them talking about another woman so negatively. Why do women do this?? Now I am by no means perfect and it will never be said that I haven’t “thought” or even said out loud “What was this person thinking for wearing this or that”, because to me it didn’t seem flattering. But I like to think that I wasn’t one of those “mean girl” types who just puts everyone down because of this flaw or that flaw. Maybe I was and I didn’t realize it. For that I feel complete remorse and if I ever did that to anyone I truly apologize.
So I guess you are asking yourself right about now, “If you are self conscious about your weight why didn’t you do something about it?” Well, I tried…and tried….and tried. Eventually I got to the point where it was just easier to stick with who my friends were and just not put myself in situations where I would feel as if I was being judged by my weight. I know my family loves me, but as a child things were said to me that cut deep and carried over into how I viewed myself as a person. Being told you would never find someone to love you because you are overweight is just not something a mother should say to their daughter. Being told you should have weight loss surgery because I obviously couldn’t do it on my own made me angry!! I had always been and still am an overachiever. When I try my hardest at something and it turns out to not be as great as I had thought it would my self esteem is crushed.
What did I do to help ease my anxiety?
I started having this internal dialogue when I found out I was pregnant with my first child (she will be 21 soon). My whole pregnancy I pep talked myself to death over and over because I didn’t want her to grow up scared and alone like I was. Those first few years were torturous. Despite it being my hometown I still felt that gripping fear that made me drive further than I needed to just to get one small thing accomplished.
At this moment I am not so much fearful of new stores or gas stations, I don’t live in the same state even where I was born so I had to just get past it or live as a hermit. I still can get a little anxious but nothing major like before. My fears now are based on my family’s safety. Mainly car accidents. (yet another thing out of my control). With so many dumb ass people who text and drive and the driving age being younger than I remember (14 yrs old here) scares the living daylights out of me! There is just no way I think that a 14 yr old is responsible enough to operate a motor vehicle!
Just my opinion and I realize every kid is different.
I also have a fear of losing my husband, with him being 19 years older than I it is a real possibility. I have no control over that and it pisses me off!! Why does it piss me off? Well because for the first time in my entire life I actually FEEL loved and cherished!! For the first time in my life I am completely and utterly happy!! I am loved and in love with the most amazing person in the world, who respects me, encourages me, supports me and defends me no matter what!! Who would want to lose that? Definitely not me!!
But the fear and anxiety I could definitely do without for sure as it often hampers my ability to let loose and just have fun and enjoy my husband and children and grandchild the way I really want to.
So I say Fuck You to fear!! As the song from FROZEN says….”Let It GO”!! (Oh and I know you are all singing that song now..You are welcome!!) 🙂
So what scares you? How do you cope/deal/get past it all?
Please comment and share your story and maybe those of us with fears and anxiety over things will not feel so alone.